Your needs jump up like prickly pears when someone ticks you off. So, how do you handle it? John Butler of the Irish Times thought deeply about this and discusses differences he sees in ways Australians handle annoyance compared to the way Irish folks handle it. John describes his brother in Australia..."...sitting in a sauna with two Spanish guys and an Australian woman...the two Spanish guys were talking to each other loudly and in Spanish...and [the loud talk] was hurting his head.
After a few minutes of him stewing beside them but saying nothing, the Australian woman turned and said, 'Sorry guys, but would you stop talking so loud? It's just that the noise of your voices is really annoying to listen to.' Silence. 'Thanks a lot, guys,' she said, then flashed an uncomplicated smile at them and sat back."
John wonders why the Irish typically act polite, but take on annoyance with frustration so that later "cars prang each other in parking lots or in streets." How do you handle frustration? Have you learned to speak without personally offending others in ways that enhance civility and politeness? Or do you hold annoyances in your gut and stew so that later actions reveal your true feelings?
When you take things in the gut, you allow the hormone cortisol, to flood your brain. Cortisol, according to Wikipedia, "is involved in the response to stress; it increases blood pressure, blood sugar levels, may cause infertility in women, and suppresses the immune system." McGill researchers find that over time high levels of cortisol damage brain functionality.
What's a good way, then, to handle annoyances that potentially frustrate us. Dr. Ellen Weber advocates learning to use tone in communication with others. She provides great strategies to guard against cortisol in communication. Rather than stewing and making mountains out of molehills, we can enhance work on teams, prickly pear situations in offices or even at the movies...first by finding ways to guard against cortisol in our lives.If you have come across as rude in past or if you take it in the gut, John's example of how the Australian woman handled this provides great strategies we and all begin to use. Here's how to approach annoyance with good tone:
- Look into the eyes of the person[s] you address
- Address person[s] politely and with a calm voice [not raised], without judgment.
- Simply name the annoyance
- Avoid personal references that show emotions
- Give the people a chance to change
- When change is evidenced, make sure to thank the person[s] for their actions
4 comments:
Gender plays a part too. Men are better at tuning out.
The Beast kept a golf ball in the heater vent of his dashboard. Whenever he steered right the golf ball would roll to the left, and vice versa.
One day he was driving his brother's fiancee over to a family event and after ten minutes she turned and snapped:
"Will you get that damn ball out of that vent? ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!"
The Beast had tuned out the ball years ago - and none of his male buddies had ever commented either. Of course he removed it, but later he put it back in to see who complained and who did not. The women always complained - the men just edited the noise out.
After a while The Beast threw the ball away - even though his male buddies weren't bothered by it, they weren't the ones who would later refuse him a second date. One must have priorites...
Hairy Beast, I'm glad to hear your perspective. When someone "snaps" they certainly are voicing frustration rather than finding ways to communicate with good tone. If a person is used to "snapping," then learning and using approches that also show civility that are not offensive to others and do not keep a situation inflamed.
Gender does play a role. When young, I began to "keep quiet" to get along better with others. However, that was tearing out my insides and I have learned ways to express frustrations without complaint or snapping. By the way, I've seen men complain and snap so perhaps indicating women complain and "snap" is more of a stereotype.
How might we all, mand and women, learn to communicate with more kindness?
I am intrigued at thew gems in this post, because what we learn and pattern after from our cultures, we at times need to unlearn and rewire in our brains.
It's not always easy - but the results of serotonin hormores tend to show up in quality treatment to others - even when they pop into our day like snapping turtles. It's a fun challenge - and inspired in this blog!
Cool discussion on a key topic that can make or break a successful outcome:-)
Ellen, culture does play an important role in international communications. We've only begun to explore the tip of the iceberg. You've really explored the topic of tone in-depth on your blog and it's a treasure trove.
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